Dating Fails: Red Flags Continued. Part 2 —Energies

It’s been a long time again and here I am…at a very low point. Sick af with covid at the very end of summer. My body or better said my soul decided to take a “time out” and catch the new strand, which I haven’t had yet. At the end of August. Just as San Francisco is finally starting to get a glimpse of summer and you want to be out and about making the most of it. And yet, here I am: totally out of it, struggling to think straight, wanting to feel sorry myself…AND getting over yet another heartbreak. I might be slightly hallucinating from the fever and all the DayQuils I just took, but at least I can still write or at least think I can still write. I’ll let you be the judge there…

You know how sometimes you just want to numb one emotional pain by substituting it with something else like another worry or something physical? Do you know that most of our illnesses happen because it’s our natural mechanism to cope with the emotional pain we are unable to process? Trust me, this happens more than you realize. I see it all the time. All around me. And that’s basically what I did when I decided to get sick with covid for like the 4th or 5th time already…

I’ll quickly add to where I’ve left off in my previous blog post about the guy who offered to pick me up from the airport. The only reason why I’m even mentioning it again here is because a few guys tried to defend him, tell me that I might have over-reacted to something that could have just been an awkwardly flirty attempt at a dad’s joke on his part. If you did not see that as a red flag in my last blog, take this:

Shortly after that trip, I ran into the guy at a dinner party. He told me that he had gotten me something, which he really wanted to give me and it was sitting in the trunk of his car, and that I couldn’t leave before he gave it to me that night. He also offered to give me and another friend a ride home and I figured that it was better than waiting around for an uber back on a Friday night.

As expected, he made sure to drop off the other friend first despite them living further away to get some alone time with me. I kinda knew that it was all a trap and I don’t really know what I was thinking when I agreed to be given a ride home in the first place. Not that it matters at this point. I knew that it was only a matter of time until I would inevitably have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him. As soon as it was just the two of us, the first thing he said was: “Well, you don’t get flowers this time. You had your chance when I was gonna pick you up from the airport, but you blew that opportunity.” At that moment, my jaw just dropped and I didn’t even know what to say.

I was speechless and he seized the opportunity of that silence to break into one of the cringiest monologues I’ve heard in a long time. It was long and without going into too much details, the gist was: “You’re single, I’m single. You’re Jewish, I’m Jewish. You like dogs, I like dogs. You want more kids. I want kids. We should date…”

I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough that night. He gave me a box of hamantaschen (I mentioned to him once that I liked them), I hugged him goodbye and the next morning I sent him a polite message saying that we are better off as friends. I still run into him at random events. To his credit, he started working with a dating coach. And to tell you the truth about dating in the Bay Area, most of the local men living all the way from Man Francisco to Man Brose should be seeing a dating coach as well.

Sometimes, he stills sends me reels on IG. Most of which are reels of either cute puppies or babies, as if he’s still trying to hint at me that this could be us having that cute little dog or that cute little baby…I haven’t reached that point of desperation yet and tbh, I highly doubt that I ever will. So that’t that.

I haven’t written anything for almost half a year. I’ve been meaning to and yet, as is usual with me, I needed to be completely alone again and completely incapacitated to be able to find the time to actually lie in bed with my laptop and start typing.

I want to give another shout-out to the guy from NY I also mentioned my my last blog because he wrote to me again. Thank you Z (I’ll call him that). This time, Z asked me to say what I really thought about him back then and why I think it didn’t work out. Sometimes, people look good on paper and check off all of the boxes and yet you just don’t click and everything feels forced. Sometimes, everything is there and at the same time everything is missing. I’ll just leave it at that.

I remember that Z was that guy who was always on the guest list of all the right parties, and the cool movie premiers and art openings in NY. For most women nowadays, that would have been more than enough. For me, none of it mattered then nor does it matter now. The only thing that matters to me is how I feel around the person. Is this person adding positive energy to my life or are they taking it?

My dad would always say this to me when I was little: “free cheese is only found in a mousetrap.” Nothing in this life is for free. You always have to pay for everything. If you’re not paying for it with money, you’re paying for it with your energy, with your youth, with your beauty, with your karma, with your life. I’ve seen a lot of sugar babies and gold-diggers in my life. It’s only an illusion that you’re in control of your lifestyle and your life in general. Maybe they’ve made it. Maybe they’re in control. Maybe it’s their life choice, but at what cost? Most of the time, they are dead inside. Every time they sell themselves out for money, a piece of their soul dies. The sellout doesn’t even have to be for money. You can certainly sell yourself for fame and for recognition, and yet believe it or not, most of the time people sell themselves out for comfort, for security, for validation, and even for the illusion of love.

A few weeks ago, I’ve accidentally stumbled across a very disturbing social media post with photos of a lavish wedding a friend of a friend posted on IG. The post showed the wedding of a very well known and hugely successful founder turned investor. The guy is a billionaire or close to it by now. He’s also one of the most ruthless and classically cluster B people I’ve ever met. SOOO many girls I know tried to date him and I’ve heard SOOO many horror stories of the most degrading experiences and abuses he subjected them to. He even managed to destroy one girl who’s the most bonafide narc herself.

I wondered for a while why I was so disturbed by seeing those beautiful photographs of such a beautiful and expensive wedding. The groom who’s in his 40s and looks ageless and the 20 something bride who looks like the perfect trophy wife, the instagram model, with a perfect body and hair. Everyone is jealous of her. All of her bridesmaids. All of her friends. She made it. She got herself the perfect husband who’s smart, rich, and good-looking. She had a perfect 3 day wedding in Italy. And then it finally hit me. It hit me why I was so disturbed. It was the bride. It was her face. That face of a victim who’s being taken to the slaughterhouse. That sheer horror and that sheer panic in her eyes. Those eyes and that facial expression that tells your that she’s already dead. That she already knows that she’s dead. I know that feeling very well and I could feel her pain.

I know that feeling cause I’ve experienced that drain, that energy drain, that complete depletion, both physical and psychological of being in a relationship with a narc, with a psychopath whose narcissistic supply you become.

And I want to talk about energies in this blog post. What I’m about to say might sound very out there for some people and it might also sound like nothing new to a lot of you as well. After all, by now most of you have already heard or read about such concepts as narcissistic “supply,” primary supply, secondary supply, tertiary supply, etc. Obviously, we are talking about “energy supplies” or sources of energy for these toxic people.

I feel like it’s very important to share what I’ve learned over the years beyond the superficial “sources” and “supplies” labels. Over the years of being around some very spiritual, religious, and extraordinary people with amazing psychic abilities. I’ve been very lucky and fortunate to have picked up some profound insights into how our universe operates.

Our universe exists and runs on energies. On divine energies, and on the energies that stars and the sun produce, and also on the energies that human beings produce. There are actually many types of energies out there. Also, every single thing including every innate object has an energy, an energetic field, and an energetic essence to it. Human existence is very complex. Everyone is a universe in itself and everyone operates and simultaneously exists in multiple dimensions.

Our consciousness, for the most part, is only tuned into the physical plane and the physical dimension that our physical body operates in. Some people are more sensitive and perceptive to their “sixth” sense, their intuition, and their bodies. Some people are able to be more aware and conscious of other dimensions, and of energetic planes where our souls, our essences, our karmic bodies, even our chakras are in constant contact and communication with everyone and everything we come across every millisecond of the day.

In fact, we might physically be sitting in a meeting at work and yet every energetic part of us except for our physical body might be somewhere else. Our brain can even function on autopilot and even participate in that meeting. I’m sure that most of us are familiar with the feeling of being physically present in one place but mentally being somewhere else or being in a state of denial. This means that you’re not present, your energy is somewhere else, somewhere in another dimension, oftentimes with someone else.

You have to realize that beyond the very superficial level of our psycology and behavioral pattern, lies the energy realm. This is actually the main reason why therapy is still very limited and ineffective at fixing most psychological pathologies because it doesn’t address the underlying problems with energies, their shortages, and their imbalances. We got all of the techniques and meds that can hide the symptoms, but they don’t address and fix the root cause of those symptoms. For example, people who suffer from clinical depression are actually people who are energetically drained and don’t have enough energies to function day to day.

Lately,  I really try not to diagnose anyone. It can be very hard because most of B cluster personality disorders will default to textbook classic behaviors when triggered no matter how high functioning and stealthy they are.  It is a mental disorder after all, these people are sick, and they only have one script when you trigger them.  And still, I’m not a psychiatrist to be labeling people.  I had this really funny conversation the other day with a friend when we were discussing one such guy on the B cluster spectrum. 

Me: I don’t want to diagnose him and I don’t want to give him a label.
My friend: Let’s just call him a narcopath then. 

I cannot even begin to tell you how many narcopaths are out there nowadays. Both men and women. Also, these people have gotten much better at blending in and appearing like everyone else (I mean at least initially until you get to know them better). They’ve already studied all of the books, the reddits, and endless podcasts on narcissists,  on psychopaths, etc. They know very well what their “red flags” are and they’ve gotten much better at hiding them.  At this day and age, it’s very hard to meet a narc who is not self aware of who they are. They know that they are different. They know it from an early age. Especially, psychopaths.  They just think and feel differently. It’s like they are aliens and they know it. 

Sometimes they are born different and sometimes they become different because of childhood trauma and abuse. Sometimes it’s a combination of both plus other factors. Their biggest problem is that they cannot produce their own energy. That function of their existence is broken, atrophied, or entirely missing. Hence they have to have their “supply,” their energy source to basically survive on a daily basis. To be able to function day to day. To be able to feel alive. It’s actually a pretty miserable existence. And imagine having to rob others to get your sources of energies. Do you really think that you could rob someone or take something from someone if you had empathy, love, and compassion for them? And then imagine robbing them and then being ridden with guilt. Wouldn’t it be easier if you only cared for yourself and were just numb towards others’ feelings? Just think about that for a moment…let that sink in. To be continued…