Dating Fails: Red Flags

Well hello there! Once again, it’s been a real long time since I’ve posted anything. I do have to say that this blog has turned out to be both empowering and damaging for my relationships… it’s been amazing to get all of the positive feedback and know that it has helped a lot of people and at the same time, it has also scared and turned off quite a few prospective dates and romantic interests. I guess it’s too late now and I’m continuing to overshare…

Also, one really amusing thing happened a few months ago. I got an email from someone whom I briefly met many years ago when I was still living in NY. He found my blog and decided to reach out. I thought that among other things he wrote, there was something really funny regardless of whether he was being serious or sarcastic: “I will have to admit that I am kind of disappointed that you haven't mentioned me in your blog heretofore, although our paths only crossed briefly and without much consequence.”

I guess you guys want to hear about yourselves. It must mean some sort of an accomplishment for you to be written about. “Was I important enough in your life to have been commemorated in your blog? Did I make enough of an impact in your life?” I haven’t really though about it before. One such conversation actually happened with my most recent ex-boyfriend when we were driving back from LA to SF after spending New Year’s Eve there. He asked me if I was gonna dedicate a blog post to him. He actually suggested that he should be at least a whole chapter in my book, which I will undoubtably write one day. And as he was having a jolly good time making jokes about it and coming up with how to title that chapter, I couldn’t help but wonder how big of a red flag that was and whether or not he was already thinking that this relationship was destined to fail. I wasn’t too far off because we did end up breaking up about a month later.

And now, lets talk about red flags…

Of course, we can talk about the universal red flags and what those are. I’m not going to go into it here. There are plenty of good posts on reddit about it. The problem is that unless they tell you on the second date that they do 8 lines of coke and are into fisting among other kinks, and rough sex, how are you really gonna know?

This actually is something that happened to a good friend, and guess what? She still tried to date this guy. And believe me, everyone tried to talk her out of it. And to everyone’s bewilderment, for a few months her only response was: “But he’s such a sensitive guy, a computer science PhD, and we have such a good connection.” This is a very extreme example, of course, and yet a red flag is a red flag no matter how big or small.

In addition, red flags are super subjective and super hard to spot early in the relationship. It’s much easier to go down memory lane and objectively assess someone’s behaviors and actions in retrospect. When you just met, though, and you’re still trying to impress each other, and you’ve got some chemistry there, it can be extremely difficult to notice and assess if it’s even something significant enough to cause a problem down the line. Even harder and more courageous is to walk away and end things at that moment, that highest point, that honeymoon phase of the relationship.

To complicate things even further, some of us might get triggered by irrelevant shit due to past traumas and insecure attachment styles and perceive something absolutely harmless as a huge red flag and at the same time overlook the real big ones. You also have to be aware of master manipulators and narcs who will deliberately try to spin their shortcomings on your subjective perspective, your insecure attachment, and your misunderstanding. With this particular type of gaslighting, you will be completely mind tripping and doubting your own sanity, reality, and perception.

I always tell people, myself included, that you have to focus on how someone is making you feel. If you are feeling uncomfortable and if something is making you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut feeling, your intuition. Things and feelings to look out for before, during, and after the date are: headaches, anxiety, stress, stress induced reactions and symptoms such as acne, eczema, fight or flight reactions, stomach aches, heart palpitations, sweating, etc. It’s a bunch of BS that you’re feeling anxious when you’re liking someone. There’s a fine line there and you always have to ask yourself: “Is it love or a panic attack?” Just like in that song by Halsey. If you are feeling exhausted and depleted after a date, it’s a no-go. When you are with someone and there’s nothing that they say or do wrong and yet you are feeling uneasy about something, trust yourself. You might not see it yet, you might not know it yet, but there is something undoubtably wrong there.

Last fall, I had a very brief and intense romance with someone who I couldn’t get enough of. On one hand I felt very infatuated (also a red flag) and in love and at the same time I’ve experienced extreme anxiety, loss of sleep, and the worst eczema flair up of my life, which wouldn’t go away for months. One of the hardest things I ever had to do, was breaking it off with him at the height of his love bombing. As I later realized, he was most likely an undiagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) and a high functioning drug addict. His BPD btw, could have been induced by the drug use. We are reacting to the energies these people give off, which we might not even be able to rationalize.

And you know how there’s a well known joke about the woman who stopped following her menstrual cycle calendar: “I don’t need to follow the calendar anymore. When my partner’s breathing starts to annoy me, I know it’s coming.” Guess what? You know why that happens? Certainly not because you turn hormonal, irritable, and psychotic. New research suggests that women simply become more self-aware around the time of their periods and all the problems that they are otherwise able to suppress at other times of the month, come to the surface. It actually means that you do have problems in your relationship and that you are actually upset and irritated with your partner. You just can’t suppress it and lie to yourself at that moment. Do you know that women in unhappy relationships report more severe PMS symptoms than women in happy relationships? Think about that…

Dr. Ann Burgess, the famous serial killer profiler and subject of the documentary series 'Mastermind: To Think Like a Killer,' was interviewed and she says that as far as tips for staying safe, always trust your gut when something seems amiss. "That's your limbic system reacting," she says. "It's an involuntary system that is set in us to alarm us and you should pay attention to it. I just think that's only good sense to listen to it, and not to override the system."

She says she has known of too many cases where women felt something was off, and then thought, "'Geez, I'm overreacting.' And then they found themselves in very tight positions."

Interestingly, I found myself in a situation last week with a guy where I’m super happy that I trusted my intuition. I’ve actually known this person superficially and socially for a few years. We first met a long time ago at an ugly sweater holiday party and he was wearing something really funny and controversial. We had a fun time conversing that night and shortly after, I’m pretty sure that I asked him out (cause I just tend to do that when I fancy someone). I think that we made plans to meet and then he must have bailed on me at the very last moment. I don’t quite remember exactly what happened. I just remember that I was upset and that I blacklisted him. He must have done something bad enough for me to see it as a red flag. From then on, I’d regularly bump into him at random Jewish events and I kept it at a short “hello and good-bye.”

Note to self and advice for others: Never try to make it work with someone with whom it didn’t work out the first time. If it didn’t work then, it’s not gonna work out now. There must have been a good reason for it.

And of course, as all such things happen, I disregarded my own advise about a month ago when I was newly single and vulnerable. I have just broken up with my bf of a couple months (more on that later, in another blog post) and I found myself at a random dinner party where I didn’t really know anyone and everyone was coupled up. I literally felt like I was the only single person there, something that you start feeling particularly acutely when you just break up with somebody. And that’s when I saw that guy who was the other random single guest there.

We were both kinda relieved that we saw each other across the room and could sit together with the other couples and feel less awkward. And then I thought to myself, that maybe he deserves a second chance. We hung out as friends a few times afterwards on the weekends and things started to get more romantic. Then last week, I went out of town for work and he offered to pick me up from the airport when I got back.

At first, I felt flattered and happily agreeed. I thought that it was very nice and thoughtful of him to offer. As my return date got closer though, I started to feel more and more uneasy about it. I started to feel like I’m getting myself into an ambiguous situation where someone is picking me up and driving me home late at night and I really dislike feeling obligated in any way. Not to mention the expectations that someone might have. Although to his credit, up until that point he gave no indication of expecting anything in return.

Coincidently, things shifted on the last day of my work trip and I was now flying back with a co-worker and with a bunch of conference gear on a different flight. I was very relieved that we were getting picked up by another co-worker. So I sent the guy a text saying that he was off the hook. Interestingly, as I was writing to him, I caught myself feeling really guilty, and wanting to apologize, and to explain in great detail why my plans had to change. That was already a red flag that this person was making me feel all guilty and apologetic. This is what I got in response:

I was looking forward to seeing you, but totes understand!

Gotta figure out how you'll make it up to me 🤔

What are you doing Wednesday after work?

You think he was just joking? Trying to be cute?

He doesn’t realize that he killed any chance he had with me with just one text: “Gotta figure out how you'll make it up to me.” How I’m gonna make it up to him???

To be continued….

P.S. If you are not seeing the red flag there, we need to talk…