Dating Fails: Red Flags & Energies Continued 🚩🚩🚩— Part 3

I’m still stuck at home with covid missing all the fun events and birthday parties this weekend. Oh well…the silver lining is that I’m back on my laptop writing another blog post on a Saturday night. I’ve been so sick I completely forgot that I had these front row tickets to a Candlelight Vivaldi concert 2 days ago. Maybe it’s for the better that I was so sick and couldn’t remember how much I was looking forward to going there with that guy whom I broke up with 2 weeks ago.

I have so much material to write about. I don’t even know where to start. And it’s not just about all the funny and not so funny dating stories that I’ve personally collected over the years, it’s also all of the funny and sometimes quite scary shit that my friends have been through and thus I’ve also experienced vicariously. All of my friends who are still single are really struggling in today’s dating scene. Both men and women. It’s a shit show out there for everyone regardless of their sex, age, geography, and social status.

I really want to write about some heavy topics that are becoming increasing alarming for me to see all around. Even more scary is that most people I talk to don’t even fully comprehend what a consensual rape is and just how far the rise of our “hook-up culture” has blurred the lines of trauma, abuse, BDSM, “consent,” and boundaries. I promised a good friend that I would write about the glorification of abuse by the rapidly growing BDSM trend and community that’s increasingly becoming more and more mainstream nowadays. And how unsuspecting girls are being groomed and coerced into abusive relationships in and out of the bedroom by more and more predators sitting on all of these dating apps.

I also want to write about my experience with dating and ageism, dating in different geographies, dating with kids, and even dating with pets as I hear more and more people who refer to pet owners as “undatable.” It would be great to hear what you y’all are most interested to read about. Please feel free to reach out with your feedback and comments here.

Thank you to everyone who messaged me after reading my last blog post. It’s great to hear that what I wrote about energies resonated with you. I want to add that everything having to do with energies is incredibly complex and multiple books could be written on this topic. Also, I want to stress that energies are always dynamic, they move and shift around all the time, they can radically change at any moment, and nothing is ever black and white. What might feel like one thing at a given moment can transform into something completely different the next moment or the next day. It’s part of the complexity of our life.

Miracles do happen. We are able to heal, change, and transform as people because energies change. Energies are never static.

It’s important to note that one does not have to be a narc or an “energy vampire” to be taking other peoples’ energies. We exchange energies all the time. Any and every interaction is an energy exchange between two people and it’s almost never equal. The big problem for everyone now is the fact that we as a society are experiencing an increasing shortage of energy. Our “natural resources” are drying up and our energies, especially our creative energy is being consumed by the internet, the virtual reality, the AI, the big tech companies, the social media… and we are becoming increasingly more and more drained. Drained to the point of not being able to feel and experience much.

People forgot how to love and people forgot how to give in relationships. People also stopped fighting for their love. People stopped fighting for their relationships. The illusion of overabundance of our options and especially when fueled by all of the dating apps and especially if you are living in big metro areas has radically shifted our perception of reality and our overall attitudes towards relationships. We forgot that in order for something to work out, one needs to put energy into it. Instead, we are expecting to meet that perfect unicorn who’s just going to fall and fit into our life without any effort, any change, and any adjustment on our part.

Even our breakups have become more and more passive aggressive. It’s down to us having a slight disagreement and then one partner simply saying: “I don’t see this working out” and then the other one just saying: “Yeah, we’re not a fit. It was good to know you. Goodbye.” And then people just split up. Nobody even tries to talk about anything anymore. We’re not even anywhere near the point of discussing how we could change, and compromise, and try to make things work… and then you wonder: “Did I even love that person? And did they even have any feelings for me?” We stopped fighting for each other. We forgot what that even is.

And then I wonder: “What if we actually did fight for each other? What if we refused to let each other go?” At this point, it’s almost hard to imagine someone saying: “I love you. I can’t live without you. I want to make this work.” We are all so burnt out. We are all so hurt. We have such big egos. We are so afraid to be vulnerable. Or maybe it’s simply because it takes too much energy. Feelings take energy. Energy that we don’t have. Energy that we lost.

There’s a beautiful song by Radiohead called “Fake Plastic Trees” that came out 30 years ago and it’s still as relevant as ever. (Sorry, the music video doesn’t do it justice.) It’s deeply philosophical like most Gen X things were. Among other themes it’s also about fake love and toxic relationships that wear you out. I see so many people especially in their late 30s and in their 40s who have worn themselves out after having been in so many stupid relationships (or relationships that lasted for years and didn’t lead anywhere) to the point of now not being able to even see and hold onto the real thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5h0qHwNrHk

But back to energies and red flags. And something a bit more light and entertaining ☺️

You can alway trust energies and your body much more than you can trust the words you hear or what your mind will rationalize. If something doesn’t sit right with your gut, trust yourself. People are great actors and life is their big stage. People might say many things and not mean any of it. It’s much more difficult to fake energies one hundred percent of the time. Even the most talented and deceptive cluster B peeps will show a small crack somewhere, which will inevitability spill into the physical realm if you pay close enough attention.

Someone might tell you how much they love you every day, but do they? Do they even have the capacity for love? Do they even have the emotional bandwidth and ability to be there for you and to provide you with support and energy in times of need? You can always tell if someone is truly emotionally invested in a relationship when you feel them investing their energies into it.

A big red flag for me is always when I see someone being a cheapskate. A miserly person is always stingy with their emotions as much as they are stingy with their money. And the worst ones are the ones who will lavishly spend on their own personal hobbies and needs, but completely disregard you and your needs. And of course, there’s a difference between being thrifty and stingy.

I’m always very sensitive about this. You can always tell how much a person is willing to literally “invest” into a relationship by the way they are courting you. And this doesn’t need to mean that they need to spend lavishly on gifts and entertainment. It’s more about the overall attitude. Ironically, some of the biggest cheapskates I’ve ever met live in the Bay Area, work at big tech companies, and make over $300K a year.

I’ll be out dining with them and already feeling uncomfortable, catching myself looking over the menu and trying to assess if I’m even allowed to order 2 courses plus desert. A lot of times, I’d rather pay myself and not worry about any of it. I can literally count on the fingers of one hand the number of times in the last couple of years when I’ve been completely stress free feeling like I could order whatever I wanted off the menu in a restaurant. Ironically, all of these times have been with blue collar guys who would never even allow me to split the bill. It’s like those guys actually know how to have a good time and enjoy life.

I’ve encountered one extreme example of a typical Bay Area cheapskate about a year ago when I went on a couple of dates with a tech executive from one of the “Magnificent Seven” who was making somewhere between $400-500K + bonus each year. Despite being able to afford most houses in most areas, he was still living in a tiny apartment in East Bay and complaining about inflation. Our first date was a coffee date and I got my own coffee. For our second date, we walked around for a bit, he adamantly refused to go into a restaurant because he was “not hungry,” and then in a bout of some uncharacteristic generously he bought me an ice cream. When he saw that I only ate half of it, he looked me the eye and said: “Aren’t you gonna finish it? I got it for you!” to which I replied: “I don’t want anymore and you can have it if you’d like.” And to my surprise, he actually proceeded to finish whatever was left of my ice cream. Obviously, there was no third date.

One last thing I want to mention in this blog post are presents. Presents are always very indicative of energies and what the person who’s giving you the present really thinks and feels about you. You can always tell how much time and energy they put into getting you something and if it was an act of genuine TLC ("tender loving care") or something totally impersonal and indifferent. Sometimes it actually shows their negative and aggressive attitudes towards you and sometimes you even have to throw it out because it brings very negative energies with it.

I had a mentor for many years who had incredible psychic abilities. She taught me a lot about energies. She was also the hardest person to get presents for because she was extremely sensitive to their energies. I was always very nervous every time I got her something. One time, she had a client whom she worked with for a while and helped a lot without charging extra, get her a “thank you” present. It came in a big box from Saks Fifth Avenue. It was a box within a box with lots of bows etc. It took forever to open and the anticipation of what’s inside really built up… she finally got to the bottom of it and inside this huge box there was just a jar of body cream. Not only was it super disappointing to find a little jar of cream inside such a big box, it was also the kind of chemical, super smelly, and heavily fragranced cream you wouldn’t even want to put near yourself. That seemingly “good gesture” surprise on the part of that client actually ruined their relationship and she never worked with them again.

Presents like these actually need to be thrown out. Because if you accept something that’s basically an outright insult to you, it’s really bad for your karma if you keep it. Especially, if you’re given something really old, second hand, broken, useless, or with bad intension.

Here’s another example of someone not truly “investing” into a relationship. I was still in the early dating stages with this guy when he left for a couple of weeks to visit his family in his hometown. When he was leaving, he told me that he was going to bring me something back, some souvenir. As one should. At some point towards the end of his trip, he texted me some pretty pictures from inside a cool parfumerie shop where they make bespoke custom-made perfumes. What did I assume when I saw those photos? My first reaction and assumption was that maybe he got a special perfume made just for me. That would have been super nice, right? I was actually waiting for some questions about my favorite fragrances or flowers as he was sending me those photos, but no questions were asked. Why did he even bother to send me those photos? Nobody knows. I certainly didn’t get any perfumes from him. Was he just teasing me? Pretty shitty thing to do to someone if you ask me.

In any case, the only “souvenir” I got when he came back was a little fridge magnet, which he probably bought at the very last minute at the airport right before his flight back to SF. At first, I thought that little magnet was cute until I actually noticed that it had a crack and was slightly chipped on one side. I’m not sure if he didn’t care to look at it closely when he was getting it cause he didn’t care enough, or when he bought it he didn’t care enough to transport it in a way to keep it intact. Either way, the energy there had a very clear message…. to be continued.