Dating Fails: Glorification of Abuse — Guest Post

I’m on a roll this week to be publishing 3 blog posts in a row! This one is a bit of a cheat post though because I invited a good friend to share some of her insights with y’all. Remember how in my last blog I said that I promised a friend to publish something on the hidden dangers of the glorified BDSM? Well, as I was discussing the subject with her, I’ve realized that she has waaay more insights into this matter and she should be the one sharing her wisdom firsthand.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of creeps, rapists, and abusers. Such is the sad reality of being a woman and I will be writing more about that. Still, despite living for most of my life in San Francisco, which indisputably IS the capital of kink and BDSM, I’ve somehow always managed to avoid it.

San Francisco and the Bay Area in general has some crazy shit going on here. One of my favorite things to do when I was in my early 20s and had to entertain out of town visitors was to take them to the famed Power Exchange sex club. Just to see their reaction and the culture shock was absolutely priceless. That was over 20 years ago. I wouldn’t do this to anyone now. Funny enough though, I had a friend who moved here from Israel where the BDSM scene is booming and where he’s always been proud to have been part of their kink community, recently tell me that he was shocked by what he saw here in SF.

Back to my guest writer friend though. She’s a very dear friend of mine. I love her to pieces. It’s also funny that she’s not from here and most of her experiences with BDSM also didn’t happen here. And that’s what’s scary. Like I could expect this shit in SF, but in other places… that’s a whole other level of getting to the mainstream.

Also, this friend is very private and would never want to reveal who she is. I’ll just say that she grew up in a very repressive and religious environment, which in my opinion, most definitely contributed to her desire to go to explore some sexual “extremes” after leaving the orthodox community. Here’s what she wrote:

Glorification of Abuse In Mainstream Culture

I’m very honored to have the opportunity to write a guest blog post here on Ginger Girl Blog.

I believe there should be more voices that should retell their various dating experiences in order to bring more dating and relationship awareness to all you gals and guys.

Many of you have probably downloaded dating apps and were approached be creeps either looking for weird dating/sexual experiences or pretending to show a more authentic interest. Of course it’s easy to end these conversations and block these guys.

But what if you met these types of guys at social or professional events? What if you had mutual friends? What if they were really cute, sexy, smart, sociable, witty, had a great job and education, and had mutual friends with you? They surely passed through some filters. What if you had an amazing chemistry and decided to go on a date. Perhaps after one or two dates, you guys decided to discuss your relationship goals and preferences. Then you start discovering that this guy has rather “interesting” kinks (happy to share them below). 

Now, you really like this guy so you start thinking that you’d be open to explore. After all, our society exalts sexual exploration through social media, pornography that is becoming increasingly more violent towards women, as well as Romanticized BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) books and movies such as 50 Shades of Grey and 365 days (looking at you Michele Morone). The goal posts are being pushed further and further, erasing from our consciousness that all these seemingly mainstream and normalized concepts are in fact very disturbing and traumatic.

With all this in mind, you start feeling that you’re not adventurous or sexual enough for this guy, you’re a self proclaimed “vanilla” who grew up in a traditional or conservative upbringing, you feel that you’re missing out on real experiences, and most of all, you feel that you like him and you’ll do whatever it takes to keep him interested in you. I mean, nothing wrong with getting a bit kinky to get a guy, right? Well, WRONG. I’m going to share some personal experience and extensive research on this topic below.

What most women don’t understand and get wrong is that what you see in movies or read in books is a very, very different experience than reality. In those narratives, the woman experiments, has a good/bad time, goes through character growth, and either ends up with that same abusive dude who’s actually “a misunderstood guy with a good heart” or meets a new, self-proclaimed good guy. The ending is always a positive one. The reality is that many inexperienced women romanticize these relationships and seek these sensations, but those relationships turn to be abusive. In reality, those guys are either mildly abusive and misogynistic or complete psychopaths and rapists. They tend to call themselves “self proclaimed Doms (dominants) ” or “sex positive kinksters”.  They often lurk at BDSM clubs or pry on naïve women on dating apps in hopes that these women would be open to new experiences and “learn” from them.

These experiences end up traumatizing the women, their boundaries are pushed, they start associating pleasure with physical or emotional pain, and they often get hooked on this dual trigger, thinking that this is a positive or just an addictive experience that they want to reinforce. That feeling happens because our brain’s neural networks are highly elastic and adjust very quickly to extreme sensory experiences with high emotions like fear and pain, much like a highly addictive drug. The more these experiences are reinforced, the more neural pathways are created, and the more is the desire to experience pain and pleasure together. That’s how trauma bonds are created as well.

If these women don’t realize early on that this is a traumatic experience, they will keep at this relationship or repeat this dynamic for 5-10 years or more before realizing that this has been a consensual abuse relationship or even an abusive legal marriage from the very beginning.   

Now, there is also a category of women who were unfortunately abused or molested as children/young adults. They too are seeking to reclaim their trauma by reliving masochistic experiences as a Sub or submissive in a BDSM setting. In reality, these women are often retraumatized by going through consensual abuse and are often in denial about it. They should be seeking therapy and working on themselves to build up their self worth instead.

Why is there a lack of awareness that such experience is traumatic ? Because even if a BDSM setting requires a “safe word” to stop, is consensual, and is practiced in certain settings at certain times, our bodies and our subconscious don’t understand those concepts. To them, a physical or psychological abuse taking place in real time is still trauma, and that experience and association does not end at the end of a “play” session.

And those Doms/dominants, which almost always happen to be males, why are they doing that? Many also went through physical and sexual abuse as children or younger adults. Interestingly, while women tend to become masochists/subs, these men tend to be sadists and reclaim their trauma through abusing women in BDSM settings. Whether they are the most “professional, caring Doms” or pseudo-Doms who poach women on dating apps or kink websites, there has to be a reason for them to be into this and it’s probably not a philanthropic one. And of course, many men just watch too much aggressive and graphic pornography and decide to experiment as amateurs.  

So I’m sure you’ve seen cute fuzzy handcuffs or blindfolds and light spankings in a movie. That’s what we imagine BDSM to be, right? And these scenes sound so cute, like impact play (sounds like impact gaming), rope play ( I want to climb a rope so bad!), breath play, pleasure dom, sounds so fun, where do I sign up? 

Lets break down one of these "plays" and list some overall statistics on injuries in BDSM

Impact play, what is it?

Impact play is a BDSM practice where a person receives controlled physical impacts to their body for pleasure, sensation, or as part of a power dynamic, which can range from light and playful to intense. Activities can include spanking, caning, or flogging, often using hands or various implements like paddles or whips.

The main dangers include physical injuries from improper technique and psychological harm from breached trust or pushing past established limits.

Physical dangers may include striking vital organs, joints, bones, the head, or the neck, damage to kidneys, the spinal cord, and the larynx. Internal trauma can result from impact to the lower back, injure the kidneys, and repeated or intense impact to other areas can cause deep tissue damage and internal bleeding. Excessively deep or large bruises can pose a significant health risk for individuals on blood thinners or with other medical conditions.

Psychological and emotional dangers can be due to breach of consent and trust: Pushing past a partner's established boundaries or ignoring a safe word. Impact play can be emotionally intense and can accidentally trigger past traumas, such as physical abuse, in a participant. This can result in flashbacks, emotional distress, and a sense of being unsafe. Finally, a sub can experience a trance-like mental state that can make it difficult for them to speak or effectively use a safe word.

That's why it is recommended to have "aftercare", a process of providing emotional, psychological, or physical support to participants following BDSM activities to make sure the sub needs comfort, reassurance, physical tenderness, or bandages.

BDSM Harm Statistics

According to kynk101.com survey of their community members, almost half of all kinksters experienced an injury, with 61% of beginners/amateurs. How bad are these injuries?

55% had mild injuries (cuts, scrapes, inconspicuous bruising), 31% had moderate ( visible bruising, swelling, or minor fractures), 11% had severe injuries (scarring, broken bones, nerve damage), and 4% had life altering damage ( permanent disfigurement, dismemberment, death). 

Many had experienced loss of consciousness, inability to work, severe nerve damage, blood loss, and trauma. Scenes involving impact play (spanking, caning, paddling, whipping) are the most severe accounting for 35% of all accidents.

Submissives of any gender were 10 times (40%) as likely as Dominants (4%) to have their safe words ignored (!!!) during a scene.  Women's safe words were ignored twice as often (12%) as men's (6%). You can read more on these statistics here. 

Sounds like an exciting activity to experience, doesn't it?

Now back to our hot guy. Our guy here is going to represent a few dudes I’ve actually met in person. He asks me: “what are your kinks?”, I tell him: “um, I don’t really have any that I’m aware of but I’m open to experimenting. What are you into?”

“Do you like to be dominated? Are you submissive in bed? I know so many career oriented, successful, masochistic women who like that and you seem to be even more masochistic than they are.” I’m not sure if that was meant as compliment or not. 

“I’m into rough sex. Specifically, I like pinning and holding a woman down by her hips or breasts while f-g her. But we’d do this, like, one year into our relationship, not right away. By the way, I’m not a rapist and not a f-boy, though up until recently, I’ve been f-g around doing one night stands, but I’ll date you for marriage.” Wow, again, where do I sign up?!

“Been exploring different things recently. Kink lifestyle, open relationships/monogamy. I’m definitely more of a sensual pleasure dom, I love going down, I love lingerie, thongs, and g strings especially.. high thighs are a favorite, blindfold and leashplay with impact.. definitely. All about rope play taking my time with all of it, edging and such.. also butt plugs, anal.”

 Geez, sounds naughty and almost enticing, like fun scenes in movies, right?

 Now, before you say those are all fun activities, and maybe they could be fun to spice up a solid, long term relationship or marriage, you need to realize that I did not really know these guys well.

The truth is, that I came very close to some very dangerous situations that could have ended very badly. I’m actually lucky to be alive today. I want people, especially women, to realize the level of danger they put themselves into by engaging in kinky activities and rough sex. I’m also lucky to have always been a type A personality that in the end didn’t make for a good sub.

So what should you take from all this information?

As with everything in life, there may be a few exceptions to every rule. BDSM could be therapeutic for some people, some relationships thrive on kink, some Doms are amazing and healing people, ect. But that will be a very small percentage of experiences. Many men and women leave the kink community after realizations of abuse and trauma. Outside the kink community, the trauma from various experiences could be even worse because there will be even less regard and responsibility for your physical and mental safety. If you do decide to experiment, you better do a lot of research and get to know people who are into kink lifestyle really well before messing around with any of these scenes. And don’t take these "fun scenes" at face value because they could create deep physical or psychological trauma that could take years to heal, even with a "professional BDSMer". Finally, I’d like to share a few words of wisdom that I live by, which you should think about next time you’re in this predicament: “should I F* around and find out?” and “stupid games lead to stupid prizes. “